On our way back to the resorts, we were scheduled to stop at a replica town. I never really understood why we were going to a fake town. Just take us to a real one and let us wander. As we got there, the skies opened up and it really started to pour rain. I wanted to go take pictures, but it was raining too hard, so we all stayed on the bus while those who wanted to get drenched spent about a half hour at the wannabe town. There were only a handful that went.

Was there something interesting going on there J?

The bus ride was taking an especially long time heading back to the resorts. Again, “Dominican time” at its best.

This country really is very, very poor. The stuff they want you to see, doesn’t look too bad, but you catch glimpses of such poverty that can be heartbreaking. Some of these shacks they live in have no plumbing or electricity, it’s terrible.

Here’s some more views from the bus on the way back from La Romana:

The final stop on our tour through La Republica Dominicana was the Columbus Shopping Center. This was the shopping area that we were promised this morning, a good 12 hours earlier. Remember, we left Isla Catalina at about 2:30 in the afternoon. It’s now after 6 and we still have almost another hour before getting back to the resort.

All I can say about the “shopping center” is that it was pure and unadulterated shit. The wares were crap and the prices were ridiculous. For example, there was a cigar store in this place. The price for a box of cigars (all Dominican brands, btw) were so ridiculous, I could buy the same box in JR Cigar on 46th & 5th in Manhattan for about half the price!

Needless to say, the bus company didn’t get any kickbacks from us shopping there.

The best part of the never ending ride back to the resort actually happened while in the tourist trap, but I’m saving it for another post. It really needs it’s own post. But I will say that it involves this woman:

 And it goes well beyond her highly questionable choice of swimwear. So onward we go.

The “shopping center” and I do use the term lightly, had security:

Yes, that IS a 12 gauge, pump-action shotgun he’s holding. The store was full of shit. What’s to protect?

We FINALLY got back to the resort after 8pm. We were due back at about 6pm. Our dinner reservations for tonight were for the Thai restaurant. Clearly, we didn’t make that. So we didn’t get to see how Dominicans do Thai. I’m sure there was Chorizo involved.

So, we rounded up Karen and Tyler and hit GABi Club for a late dinner.

Up next…Another day poolside and ridin’ in style…

While we’re all waiting for the buffet lunch, our Host decided it was time for a Meringue dance contest. It wasn’t so much a contest as it was a lesson. The lessons were pretty funny as our host was having some trouble remembering since he was was already 3 sheets to the wind when we got on the Catamaran in La Romana.

This truly was a bad dance recital number. AM had fun though…

AM was griping that I was taking pictures of her next to the blonde chick in the picture to the left. My answer? Then don’t stand next to her!

It was THIS big! I swear!

After what took way too long to teach 4 Meringue steps, it was finally time for lunch.

While on the buffet line, we saw a sign that I can’t believe I didn’t get a picture of. It had the tour’s name on it with the quote underneath that read: “Hire is a Paradise.” Hire? Well, I guess it could be paradise for a nation that has a horrendous unemployment rate. Back to lunch. What did they serve? A surprisingly nice lunch. Lots of fruit, some salads, and some kind of spiced barbecued pork and barbecued lobster. After those disaster dogs, this was a pleasant surprise.

They even had entertainment for us while we dined. If you recall from my Monday post, we went to a really bad MJ tribute show that I didn’t take pictures of because I left the camera in the room. Well, he’s apparently on tour and made an appearance at our lunch. And here he is: “The King of the Pop!” as he was introduced to us.

He only did 1 song, Billie Jean. We were all given the opportunity to have our photo taken with him. After only 1 person wanted to have their photo taken with the fake “King of the Pop,” off he went to his next gig. I mean, seriously, why would you even want to? That’s like traveling to the DR to go mall shopping…oh…wait…moving right along…

There was a traditional “Dominican Dance” during lunch as well. The really do make the skanky-hots work it for their pay.

There was one final activity before going off for afternoon activities, a balloon popping contest. It was for couples only. AM & I and Jayme & Jason took part as we thought it was for a cash prize. We didn’t win. The winner got a bottle of rum.

The whole point of the game was to pop 3 balloons on your partner in the shortest amount of time. One, belly to belly, one with the man sitting in a chair and the woman jumping in his lap, and the third with the woman bent over the chair and the man popping in on her ass. Piece of cake, right? Well, not so much. The give you 2 big balloons for the first 2. The last? A balloon about the size of a softball to pop on her ass. It was funny as hell watching this go on and to have to do it myself. No pictures of this as all four of us participated in the contest.

With that out of the way, it was time for some more outside stuff. Jayme, AM & Alex went snorkeling. I couldn’t as they don’t make flippers in Saquatch size. Plus, I swim like sailors from the “Age of Sail” did. Jason & Zachary hung out on the beach while the ladies snorkeled. I went down there with my camera and even ventured out into the water to try to take some pictures of ocean life. This is as close as I got to seeing ocean life. One thing I meant to buy before coming here was this waterproof camera case. There was a guy down LBI last summer that had it was out in the ocean snapping pictures. If I had the bag, I would have gone out as far as AM & Jayme were and just stuck the camera in the water and started snapping photos. Ah well, maybe next time.

One of the peddlers

On the motorboat back to the catamaran

1430 rolled around and sadly, we had to leave Catalina and had to head back to the mainland. There wasn’t much partying going on on the way back to La Romana. The ride back was pretty subdued. There was music and the rum was still flowing, but it wasn’t the party atmosphere that we had on the way out. Once back on the big island, from the little island, we lugged ourselves back up those old, steep and hazardous stone stairs (drinking rum all day doesn’t help this) only to be accosted by peddlers with cigars and other trinkets while heading back to the bus. They were very aggressive. And really annoying. But the cigars were cheap and if I believed for one second that the Cohibas they had were real, I might have bought some.

Here’s some more pics…

Up next…Views from the never ending bus ride…

“This house belong to Antonio Banderas. Yah, yah. Antonio Banderas house!” ”This house belong to Ricky Martin. Yah, yah. Ricky Martin house!”

This went on for maybe 10 minutes. We apparently saw houses that belonged to:

• Antonio Banderas
• Ricky Martin
• Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt
• Alex Rodriguez
• Shakira
• Madonna
• Some rich Venezuelan politician (didn’t say who)

I know I was born, just not yesterday.

The only one of those names I possibly believe is Alex Rodriguez, as he is Dominican and has family in the country. Ricky Martin? Really? Where were the cabana boys? Angelina? I would have expected it to be next to an orphanage. With Madonna’s house on the other side of the same orphanage. Actually, I’m not sure that the DR is poor enough (or an exotic enough locale) for them to adopt kids from there. Random rich politician from Venezuela? I didn’t see a CITGO sign anywhere. Shakira? Man, her hips don’t lie, but I think our host is full of shit (or lots of rum at the very least)…

Here’s the pictures of the rich and famous houses…

Some of these houses are stunning though.

Catalina from the boat

Once we’re done looking at the “famous” houses, after some more booze and dancing, we finally arrive at Catalina Island. Now, to get to the island, you have to get off the Catamaran about 100 yards off shore and get into a small motorboat that brings you to shore. They gave us the option to stay on the Catamaran for a bit to go fishing, but none of us were interested, so we got on the boat to hit the beach.

On the beach

The first order of business was to get indoors, as it started raining right after we made landfall. It rained on and off all day. Never for more than 20 or 30 minutes at a time.

The second order of business, was to get something to eat. They were serving hot dogs. At least that’s what they said they were. They were pretty nasty. No Sabrett or Nathan’s here. Gods only know what they were made of. They were eaten out of necessity as none of us had a chance to get breakfast before getting to the bus.

After we staked out a table with all of our gear and ate our dubious dogs, it was time to have some fun.

First up was the banana boat ride. The line was long, but people managed to keep themselves entertained while we waited. I took a pass on the banana boat. I thought the “boat” looked a little questionable and I just wasn’t feeling it. Not to mention, you could only go 5 at a time on it and there were 6 of us.

They had a second inflatable ride, which I did with AM & Alex. It was fun, but the boat drivers get a little carried away with the speed they zip you around in the water. Let me tell you, my ass got some shiatsu massage from the ocean.

It was getting close to lunchtime and we were all still hungry, so after one more turn on the banana boat, we headed back into the picnic area to see what was going on there. AM got suckered into a dance show that can only be called…The Meringue Maneuver.

But first, more pics from the first part of our day on Isla Catalina…

The skanky-hot Dominican girls

Our videographer

I guess someone had fun on the island...

For the fourth full day in the Dominican, we all had to get up before the peacocks (check out the one in the tree above) on Wednesday so we could go on our excursion to Catalina Island. Are there even Roosters on this island? Brings back the question as to whether or not that’s chicken they’ve been feeding Alex and Zachary all week.

Karen and Tyler stayed behind. Karen wasn’t up to making the trip and Tyler is a little too young for it, so it was just myself, AM, Jayme, Jason and the old married couple, Alex and Zachary.

We had to meet our bus at 0640. We were told when the trip was booked to show up in “American time, not Dominican Time.” Apparently 0640 in Dominican time is 0800 according to the guy the trip was booked with.

There is something to this “Dominican Time” thing. No one here is in a rush to do anything. Ever. Nice life if you can get it. No? There’s a good example below.

We were on time. The bus? Not so much. It showed up at 0700. Our 90 minute trip to La Romana, where you get the boat to go to Catalina, took nearly 3 hours. Isn’t Dominican time great?

Mr. Pants

Our tour guide on the bus for the day was Mr. Pantaleon. Somewhere along the way, we also picked up a videographer (never caught his name). So for the day, all of the members of the tour group were called “Familia Pantaleon” or, as I thought of it, The Family Pants.

We did learn some interesting things about La Republica Dominicana:

• Abortion is very frowned upon. I don’t think he said it was illegal, but did say you can get into trouble for having one.
• Mama Juana is the cause for 40% of the population to be under the age of 14. I personally think it’s the bowlegged grind dancing they do, but what do I know?
• The country’s government is corrupt.
• The people are very poor.
• $150/month rent for a room in the Punta Cana area is considered an expensive rent.
• Most people travel around on motorcycles.
• Gas is $6.00 a gallon.
• No one rides bicycles unless for sport.
• The country is gearing up for primaries for the next presidential election. There were lots of billboards and signs everywhere for various candidates.
• Tobacco, Rum (Ron) and Sugarcane are the main exports.
• Tourism is their #1 moneymaker.
• They spend years building houses/buildings/etc. Mr. Pants told us about his house that he’s been building for the last 6 years in Santo Domingo, and he needs another couple of years before it’s finished. The main reason for this is money. Interest rates for mortgages and loans in the DR are credit card like (11-20%).
• The country is 90% Catholic and 100% alcoholic.

I’m sure we could have learned a lot more about the country, but he was relaying information to the group in 4 or 5 languages. Kind of cuts down on how much he can tell you.

Mr. Pants at the little shop

No dollar for you!

Along the way, we stopped at a little shop where we got out for a pee/stretch break. There was some nice shopping there, but we weren’t allowed to shop there because the bus company doesn’t get a kickback from them. And Mr. Pants says that just the government is corrupt? Hmmm….

So a quick pee and stretch and head back to the bus. What’s both a bit sad and creepy are all of these little kids that came out of the woodwork when the bus pulled up. They don’t say anything, but it’s pretty clear that they’re looking for handouts. Should you ever find yourself in here and in this situation, do not, and I do mean DO NOT give them anything. The 10 or so kids that turned up will multiply big time if you give one of them money.

A couple of bits about traveling in the DR. There really aren’t any highways like we have here in the US. To travel from Punta Cana to La Romana (the port where you get the boat to Catalina Island), you have to travel through all of the towns that are along the route. It doesn’t explain why it took nearly twice as long to get to La Romana though. There was really no traffic or traffic lights for that matter. Lots of speed bumps though.

Finally, we got to La Romana, which is about 80 miles southwest from the resort.

It’s a nice looking town with with some beautiful vistas along the river that passes through this port town.

Off the bus and we’re shuffled off to some very old, steep and unsafe looking stone stairs that lead down to the dock where our catamaran awaits us for our trip to Santa Catalina as Christopher Columbus called it.

This is basically a little party boat. They have a couple of skanky-hot Dominican girls plying everyone with beer and rum and then getting the men on the boat to dance with them with that bowlegged dancing I spoke of earlier. They had a Dominican guy dancing with the girls too.

The girls got Jason to dance with them. They got me too to spite my protests and demonstration of lack of dancing skills. I gave the paparazzi shooting photos a special picture to remember the event by. I think it also kept me off of the official video. Oh well. Tragic.

Our “host” for this boat ride was loaded from the minute we got on the boat. We never caught his name. Truth be told, I don’t think he ever said. He was rambling on and on (and very little of it in english). I’m sure he was talking about where the boat was going and maybe even giving some history about the island. Or maybe he was just inviting us to take advantage of his skanky-hot ladies.

Here are some more pics from this morning…

After some drinking, dancing and enjoying the view, the boat slowed down by these really beautiful houses. Our Host got back on the mic.

Up next…This house belongs to who?

So let’s just put it out there right now: Peacocks are some noisy little bastards. If you thought cocks are loud, you should hear a peacock. And gods help you if you get a gaggle of them together. That cacophony is really something with them going back and forth at each other. I like to think they’re playing “Marco Polo.” At least that’s what it sounds like to me. But, it could be the rum talking…

Got my down dog on for a bit, donned the Speedo™ and off with the gang to GABi’s for breakfast.

Post-super fattening omelete (amongst other things), it was time to hang out in a cabana, catch some rays and play in the pool. After a few hours lounging by the pool, Jason and I decide to go check out the mall that’s right outside the resort. Well, it might actually be on the resort grounds and owned by the resort. The architecture of the mall is very much in the style of the resort and there’s a SolMeliã Club store in the mall. The SolMeliã Corporation is the owner of the resort.

Now why the hell would I go to a mall? Aside from checking out some hot Dominican chicks? Well, the trip there was for the geek in me. I was hoping that there was an electronics store inside that I could pick up a cheap wireless router so I could make blogging, surfing the web, etc. easier for all of us.

No such luck. Lots of clothing stores, tourist crap, a cigar/liquor store, a Hard Rock Cafe and something that I thought didn’t exist anymore:

After a quick Internet search, I see that they’re still around. Globally, in fact. 3 in La Republica Dominicana alone. Who knew? I figured after Al Goldstein puked it up on Midnight Blue and gave them a big FU for their shitty food (he really was out of his frakkin’ mind), I just assumed they all went out of business…

I remember watching on Manhattan Cable’s (later Time Warner Cable’s) Public Access, Channel J (then channel 35 later on)…Midnight Blue, The Robin Byrd Show. You know what’s scary about Robin? She’s still on the air. I thought she looked like a post-op tranny over 20 years ago, I shudder to think about what she looks like now. The years weren’t kind to Ms. Byrd back then…but I’m swerving a bit here…The upshot is, who knew Tony Roma’s still existed. I haven’t seen one of those in probably 20 years.

I actually got into trouble with a rent-a-cop at the mall for taking that picture. Apparently, it’s against the law to take pictures of the stores in the mall. People, water and architecture? No problem. Take a picture of a store, you’d think you’d just taken a picture of Don Barzini at Connie’s wedding. Where’s Luca Brasi when you need some muscle for protection? Well, technically, I did have a Marine escort. So I guess that had to do.

Actually, he was nice enough about it. I said sorry and we moved on. Suffice it to say, the picture wasn’t confiscated. Such an odd law (rule?) though. Here’s some shots of the mall:

We were 0-for hot Dominicans and I was SOL on a router. But the mall looked nice. So we headed back to the pool. One the way, we came across this:

There were several weddings going on here at the resort. Pretty much every day.

Boozin' in the pool

When we got back to the pool, this is what we find our wives doing. It was a major theme over our week in Punta Cana.

Dinner was at El Guarapo Dominican Restaurant. I can only assume that the cuisine was traditional Dominican. It was very good. I had this really tasty pork dish. And finally, all of the chorizo they’ve been feeding us as appetizers all week actually fits in with the food we’re eating for dinner.

There was a dollhouse in the restaurant. Not sure why. Looked like a plantation house.

I’ll post some shots of it below.

After dinner, was actually an early night. No late night partying here. Just a dip in the jacuzzi and off to bed because on Wednesday, we’re going on our 1 excursion off the resort for the week.

Here’s some more Tuesday pictures…

Up next…The family pants…

Waiting on the golf cart

As you can tell from my previous post, the beach in Punta Cana “roxored my boxors.” Technically, I was wearing a Speedo™, but anyways…

After a hard day of laying on a beautiful beach and at poolside (it’s a tough life, but I’ll make the sacrifice for you all), it was time to venture to our next themed restaurant for dinner, La Gondola. For those keeping score, we’re 2-for-2 at having good meals in the theme restaurants on the resort. Even if the meal wasn’t the most memorable.

Now for those of you who read my Disney blog, you may remember my encounter at the California Grill. Well, lightning has struck twice. I was denied entry into La Gondola (or as it’s known to us: La Bullshit Restaurant (it’s a rough translation from Italian, trust me)) because of my attire, which was a beautiful Adidas shorts and tank set that likely cost more than the meal they would serve me. It’s not like I showed up to dinner in a wifebeater.

My parting words to the hostess as I went back to the my room to change: “Maybe I should just go eat at GABi’s. They don’t give a shit what I look like.”

But back to room I went (Jason tagged along too) to “go put the dog on” for a fake Italian restaurant. What shit.

After a quick change and short trip back to the restaurant, I sat at the table expecting to consume what will be the best Italian meal I’ve ever eaten considering they have a dress code to get in.

Well…that didn’t happen. Now, it wasn’t as bad as Tony’s Town Square in Disney, but it sucked pretty damn hard. The fact that I had to actually get dressed up for this just made it worse. And what pissed me off even more, is at Tony’s, I actually DID wear a wifebeater to dinner, and not a peep from the staff. Here’s the proof. That was taken in the Magic Kingdom just before heading to Tony’s for dinner.

I wasn’t the only one unhappy with the meal. The general consensus was that the meal sucked. If I ever go back to the Meliã Caribe Tropical, I’ll be sure to not visit La Bullshit again.

Let me give you an example of the fare we were served: Here’s a picture of what Karen had for dinner.

It’s supposed to be Beef Milanese. Looks like four tiny turds on some mashed potatoes to me. Definitely should have just gone to GABi’s for dinner.

There was one interesting thing going on at dinner. It was Zachary’s attempt at seducing/trying to get Alex’s attention.

Then Alex showed him how it’s done.

After we put the kids to bed (and I changed back into what I originally had put on for the evening), the four of us headed back out for some booze and a show. The show was a “Michael Jackson” show. It felt an awful lot like I was watching a dance recital. A really bad one. Too bad I left the camera in the room. We left after 3 or 4 tunes. The guy that was playing Michael, actually had a great moonwalk, but that was about as good as it got. He spent the rest of the time grabbing his gear and lip syncing badly.

So we found a cozy spot in a lounge and BSed for a bit before heading back to the room to sleep.

Here’s some more photos from Monday.

Up next…Let’s go to the Mall! Wait…what?

You all know know that I’m in Punta Cana, DR with my wife, Ann Maire and my daughter, Alex. No need to post pictures of them. This entire blog is littered with them.

But who are these other people I speak of that I’m on vacation with? So before I continue the blog, let’s meet them:

Jason

Jason is an ex-jarhead. All around good guy. Would probably have a stroke if he ever woke up and found himself in France.

There’s two things you should never ask a Marine for: directions and to shoot photos with a manual lens. This is a picture of AM, Alex & I from Sunday night that he shot with my K-x with the Vivitar 28mm manual lens mounted. Maybe he thought it could be like a Cézanne or Renoir painting, but in photo form. French Impressionist painters as influence in your photography? I thought you didn’t dig the French, J?

Focus, J. Focus.

Sorry J, you know you had it coming.

Jayme

Next up, is Jason’s lovely wife, Jayme. Some call her the “Coupon Queen.” While she does have an uncanny ability to sniff out a good deal, her ability to haggle is stuff of legend. It truly is a sight to behold.

Then there’s their oldest son, Zachary, who has a love/hate relationship with my daughter, Alex. Those two are like an old married couple at times with their bickering.

Zachary

And their youngest son, Tyler. He’s a little cutie who’s been teething something fierce. Nothing a little Brugal on the gums didn’t fix.

Karen & Tyler

And last, but certainly not least, there’s Jayme’s mom, Karen. She’s a lovely woman with a great sense of humor who may have been the happiest to be in Punta Cana out of all of us. She also kept an eye on the little ones so we can go out at night and party.

I don’t know what went on when we weren’t with them, but they all seemed to need a lot of sleep during the day.

I kid because I love and I hope you guys take it int he vein it was meant.

So now that you’ve met the rest of the cast, we now return you to the trip…

This area of beach is exclusive to Servicio Real guests. If you’re not one, you will be kicked out. Quickly. It also has it’s own mini GABi’s. No food there but you get your booze and towels there.

Don’t know what else to say about this beach. The pictures say it all…

If you’re wondering what I’m using to take these pictures with, I’m shooting with a Pentax K-x with a Vivitar 28mm manual wide angle lens. I brought a Sigma 28-80 auto focus lens with me to Punta Cana as well, but I liked the results I was getting with the 28mm better, so the 28-80 stayed in the room all week.

Up next…Revenge of the dress code….

The only issue I have with GABi’s is with their coffee. While everyone that orders coffee, get a nice brewed cup, what do the decaf drinkers get?

I mean, really? Nescafe? Why not just give me some mule dung in a cup? So what does this mean for Chris? No coffee. I’ll be hitting a Dunkin’ Donuts as soon as I get back to the states.

While Sunday was a pool day for us, Monday is for the beach…

I wrote about the golf carts (or “Machines” as Zachary calls them) for us Servicio Real customers. The other way to get around the resort is by trams that look like trains. The kids love them. Here’s one from our stroll Sunday afternoon.

After a little more time at the pool, we took a ride around the resort on one of the “trains” and then it was back to the rooms for a shower and get ready for dinner. Dinner today is at the American Grill Restaurant. The food was good, not quite American, but very good. Wasn’t memorable as I don’t remember what I ate, but it was good, whatever it was.

After putting the kids to bed, the four of us headed out to one of the many lounges and had a few drinks and hung out (this will be a recurring evening theme).

Here’s a few night shots from Sunday…

Up next…

But first, a note about coffee